Kristen’s Apocalyptic Picks

I guess today — at an unspecified time? — we’ll find out if the Mayans were right and the world will engulf itself and we’ll turn to space dust and the zombies will come on full-force from Florida and Lindsay Lohan will rekindle her music career. If the end of the world is truly upon us, there are some tunes I hope that I’ll never have to hear on that day — and a few others that I wouldn’t mind hearing one last time while our planet spins into oblivion.

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I suppose, if today is the last day on this Earth and I hear one of these songs again, I will die horribly ashamed and/or embarrassed at the irony.  Either way, here are the dozen of tracks I hope I don’t have to hear.

12. “Butterfly” — Crazytown: If I could have gone through the late ’90s without ever hearing this song, that would have been even better. But this song is one of the dumbest and graces this list because it was overplayed, and I’m embarrassed for anyone who ever liked it.

11. “She Hates Me” — Puddle of Mudd: When I heard this, I never thought it was fun or cute or anything. I thought it was a lousy knock-off of someone wishing to have talent or maybe to be Kurt Cobain (see other songs of theirs, if you want your ears to bleed). Not to mention that this tune is eerily reminiscent of “I Saw Your Mommy” by Suicidal Tendencies. Hmmm… Unoriginal bastards.

10. “Hollaback Girl” — Gwen Stefani: Does this one even need a comment? B-A-N-A-N-A- NO.

9. “Welcome To the Working Week”Elvis Costello: Thanks for reminding people every single Monday that they’ll have to put up with a bunch of mindless bullshit for the next five days of their lives.

8. “Breakfast At Tiffany’s” — Deep Blue Something: Listen, I loved Capote’s book and was a huge fan of Audrey Hepburn’s portrayal of Holly Golightly but not this song. Mostly because it doesn’t make sense. Like, at all. No wonder the singer and this lady had nothing in common, because he couldn’t write a decent song and it was her way of saying “thanks, but no thanks.”

7. “You’re Beautiful” — James Blunt: Those “vocals” are enough to nauseate me and contort my face into ugly.

6. “With Arms Wide Open” — Creed: I mocked this song from the day it came out, and I’ll mock it if I have to hear it on doomsday. Call me heartless for despising this song (apparently it’s about Scott Stapp’s spawn), but everything about it is asking to be hissed at. Especially those Eddie Vedder-but not quite vocals.

5. “Hey There Delilah” — Plain White T’s: I can’t be the only human with a vagina that thought this song was a load of bullshit, right? I have seen grown females swoon over this song for no reason, and I have never understood why.

4. “Your Body Is A Wonderland” — John Mayer: I’m so sad about this. For real. I am. Because John Mayer tears it UP on the guitar, but he’s apparently an unpleasant man and this song just really made me not want to ever get into his music. Men, take note — ladies do NOT want you to write creepy songs about their bodies and bubble gum tongues, okay? Stop it.

3. “Hey Soul Sister” — Train: I don’t know or care what this song is about. I’ve never allowed myself to ever fully listen to it. All I know is, it’s in far too many commercials and shitty movie trailers, and I can’t stand it.

2. “She Will Be Loved” — Maroon 5: Or really, just anything by Maroon 5.

1. Anything by Nickleback. Obviously.

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And if the apocalypse happens, here’s what I wouldn’t mind listening to.

12. “Thriller” — Michael Jackson: Going with the “theme” that zombies are going to sprout before us on 12/21 is this little ditty. Hate on MJ all you want, but I dug his earlier tunes. Especially this one… well, except when that guy laughs, because fuck that.

11. “Born To Run” — Bruce Springsteen: BRUUUUUUCE! Okay, I’ll admit, I was never a fan of “The Boss,” but I think something happens when you get older, maybe. Even so, we’ll all be “Born To Run” from zombies, volcanoes, and ravenous snakes, that is.

10. “Tubthumping” — Chumbawumba: I’ll go one more time around on this train. I’ll get up again, and then never hear this one after that.

9. “Layla” — Derek and the Dominos: Clapton’s guitar playing is legendary. As asteroids plummet into my apartment complex, I’d like to have his soothing strums lull me into a comatose state while aliens break into my room and steal my shoes.

8. “New Slang” — The Shins: One of my favorite songs by one of my favorite bands. It’s a lovely little tune and a tad bit sad. So, yeah.

7. “Here Comes The Sun” — The Beatles: Maybe I’ll save this one for the post-apocalypse.

6. “Only The Good Die Young” — Billy Joel: Because when the sky explodes and the Mayans laugh, I’d like to laugh too — with the sinners. Ha-hoooo see what I did there?…Right.

5.  “American Pie” — Don McLean: Because who hasn’t been drunk and sang this one at a party while everyone awkwardly stares at you acting like they don’t know the words. Perfect way to make friends with the aliens, as long as they know it’s not the Madonna rendition of this one.

4. “Sunday Morning” — No Doubt: Solid song and video from No Doubt’s Tragic Kingdom. Unfortunately, Gwen took three steps back with her solo career (see the previous list), and thus began spinning the world towards a black hole which will devour us for having ever thought our shit was bananas.

3. “Come On Eileen” — Dexys Midnight Runners: Come on, Eileen, move your ass or the zombies will eat your face.

2. “Beware of Darkness” — George Harrison: Because he was my favorite Beatle, and this song is beautiful. I think I’d also follow this one with “What Is Life” by Harrison because I can.

1. “It’s The End Of The World As We Know It” — R.E.M.: And I really do feel fine.

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