Michael’s Mystery Song Reviews

With just a quick browse, all I can say about the selection I received from Ryan is, “What. The. Fuck.”  The collection generally sounds like ’80s Rap, and not the good kind. The kind you’d find in a dance club that was so ’80s, it was probably required that you wore Zooba pants and shoulder pad vests (they exist, don’t even argue). Along with some clips of what sounds like Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure on a short once over, this mystery song list is exactly that for me: a big, fat, ’80s Dance-rap-music mystery.

1. Mystery Song 1 (M.C. Hammer – “This is What We Do”)  – I can only assume this song is called “This is How We Do,” since it seems to be the recurring phrase. It sounds like the artist is M.C. Hammer, and I’m pretty sure I have the song in my library. It’s pretty dance-centric and incredibly ’80s.

2. Mystery Song 2 (Hi Tek 3 – “Spin that Wheel”) – Someone is here to play the music in another very ’80s Rap-dance song. Or at least that’s what they said in it. The opening beat is reminiscent of the Boogerman video game opening song on the Sega Genesis. It sounds like a female singing, and the background has those screaming people from Lyn Collins’ “Think (About it).” You know, that “Woo! Yeah!”. Can someone say over-used?

3. Mystery Song 3 (Riff – “Family”) – I’m going to skip the fact that this is another ’80s Dance-rap song, because the whole selection seems to be exactly that. This song has someone saying “pump it up,” as well as a sample from that old song that goes “oooh baby, baby, please don’t leave me, don’t you go.” You know the what I’m talking about. It’s the only good part about this song

4. Mystery Song 4 – (Spunkadelic – “9.95”) – Ok, well whoever thought of this song was playing a lot of Mega Man X games. The beginning starts off cool, then they start getting all math-y on you. What the hell? I want crappy ’80s Rap-dance music, not Math-dance-rap….music. It’s mainly a female singer, singing about putting your body into overdrive. I think my tolerance is going to need to be put into overdrive to finish this list.

5. Mystery Song 5  (Partners in Kryme – “Turtle Power”) – Welp, about halfway done, and this song chronicles…nope. Won’t say it. All I will say is that this song gave away that this was a soundtrack of a specific movie. I will say, however, that this song puts a fresh, hip spin on a well-known origin for four green Renaissance-themed heroes. Did I say fresh, hip spin? Well if I did, I’m about thirty years too late.

Note by Ryan: I’m not sure why Michael refused to say this was the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles soundtrack.  These were mystery songs for him, not for everyone else.  You’re free to know what he listened to.  I don’t think he understands that concept.

6. Mystery Song 6 (Johnny Kemp – “Let the Walls Come Down”) – Well this is song is genuinely enjoyable in that it’s so amazingly ’80s it’s actually fun to listen to. Good thing, too. My ears were starting to hurt. This song sings about letting the walls come down, to make way for the future. It’s obviously a political reference to the Berlin Wall. Way to copy Pink Floyd, mysterious 80’s artist.

7. Mystery Song 7 (St. Paul – “Every Heart Needs a Home”) – Another not-’80s-dance song, it seems that this mystery list has calmed down a bit and brought us the music that all awkward middle school students dread: cheesy slow-dance songs that couples are forced to dance with six inches between them.

8. Mystery Song 8 (John Du Prez – “Shredder’s Suite”) – This seems to be an instrumental, I’m guessing detailing the mood of the final fight with Shredd-I mean…the villain in the movie that these guys are fighting. Yeah. Because I don’t know what this soundtrack is. It’s a good song. Next.

Note by Ryan: Yeah, still don’t know why Michael thinks he has to put up a pretense with the whole “Mystery” aspect of this game.  Oh well.

9. Mystery Song 9 (John Du Prez – “Splinter’s Tale I & Splinter’s Tale II [Feat. Kevin Clash]”) – Rising tension, hooooooo! There’s spoken dialogue in this song, talk about a form of martial arts, and someone cutting someone else. Yawn.

10. Mystery Song 10 (Orchestra on the Half Shell – “Turtle Rhapsody”) – The last song sees a return to form in the style of ’80s Dance-rap…stuff. There’s random placements of “Awesome!” and “Excellent!” throughout, and it sounds like the music found in the credits of a movie. And since this is a soundtrack, that’s probably what it is. Once again, the music reminds me of some video game from my childhood, or even that music from Megamind at the end of the movie.

AFTERWARD:

Well, having learned the names of the songs and figuring out what I was listening to about halfway through, all I can say is, “Well-played, Ryan.” I thought I liked all of the music the ’80s had to offer, because for the most part, that stuff is pretty fun to listen to. But this… man. This soundtrack. My patience was tested, my ears hurt, and finally it ended and I could relax a little. I honestly am surprised that I have the first song in my library, though. Overall, a barely tolerable album to a good movie from my childhood. TURTLE POWER!

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3 Responses to “Michael’s Mystery Song Reviews”

  1. i thought i wasn’t supposed to know the album, for some reason.

  2. Write more, thats all I have to say. Literally, it seems as
    though you relied on the video to make your point.

    You definitely know what youre talking about, why throw away
    your intelligence on just posting videos to
    your blog when you could be giving us something enlightening to
    read?

    • I’ve been told the exact same thing by Ryan, one of the other bloggers. For this review, though, the videos were not the basis for the review.

      I just started writing reviews, so give it some time, I’ll have some pretty detailed ones in the future! And thank you very much for your feedback, I greatly appreciate any criticism so that I can improve!

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